Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Blessed are the flexible for they'll not be bent out of shape.



May I learn to bend with the wind, 
like a rock in a stream.

May I understand the patience,
of sincere transformation.

Mold my heart like play-doh,
press it into childlike shapes.

Quench the raging fires,
which cause my heart to burn.

Still my desperattion,
and quiet my labored breath.

For I am thoroughly fragile,
and completely broken.

My Unfathomable Love Reciprocated

I'm immeasurably blessed to be loved by my wife. 
I am flabbergasted by how much I love her. 
For the life of me, 
I cannot figure out why she loves me.
  
But it's the gasoline in my tank,
She's the balm to my wounds,
My muse and my counselor,
And her presence makes me swoon.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Good Friday

Today was the first time I have been able to attend an Episcopalian Good Friday service. We've been attending our church for about nine years now, but each year I have been unable or unwilling to take the time off to attend the service. Or, we've been traveling to our parents houses for Easter family time.

The latter has always been a tradition for both of our families. It's been a time to get together around the Christian holiday and have a brief visit, usually complicated by the fact that our places of employment don't give time off for it, and that my wife has often worked for churches. She works as a part-time lay minister right now for our church, and it seems important that she be here on most high holy days for that reason.

But usually we're out of town. This year, in my fortieth year on the planet, the time seemed right for what might be a permanent change. We decided to stay home and immerse ourselves in the traditions of our Holy Week. It's been great so far.

I've always been more inspired by penitence than celebration, so Holy Week seems to fit my worship posture (prostrate) of choice, and the Good Friday liturgy was incredibly profound. I must admit that it was quite a bit longer than I had liked, and that my knees and back were sore after the 75 minute service. But that seemed appropriate to the day.

What was most encouraging was the liturgy itself, which mentions many things in the solemn collects which I have never prayed for in a church, even ours. I remember praying for all levels of government by name, including the United Nations (which is the unique part), and a detailed set of prayers for people who don't know Christ, and for people of varying degrees of faith. There was a sense of the evangelical mixed with the thorough desire for unity among the body of Christ. That's not unusual, but the depth of the prayers was worth noting.

My wife noted appropriately that the anthems before the cross (kneeling) were also profound. I was feeling quite a bit of back pain by this point, and kneeling was making my knees hurt, so my focus was wavering. But I did not miss the sung anthem "Faithful Cross"...

Faithful Cross above all others, 
One and only noble tree, 
None in foliage, none in blossom, 
None in fruit thy equal be,
Sweetest wood and sweetest iron,
Sweetest weight is hung on thee.
AMEN 
(Venatius Honorious Fortunatus, tr. J.M. Neale)

Even communion was different, with humble vessels and without the full blessing, provided for us from the "reserve host" which was a very Catholic concept for me. I guess I keep thinking we're much more removed from the transubstantiation issue than we are. There's something which was very serious about that, and how much that signifies.

I've not sorted it all out yet, but my experience was powerful, albeit subtle. I was quieted and humbled by my own humanity in the presence of the divine. The old testament Psalm 22, read in unison was such a distinctly prophetic passage that it almost seemed silly that the folks who were studiers of the Psalms as part of the Torah were not sold on Jesus as their Messiah. But even now we reject Christ. I do so daily by my sin, and that does not make sense. If I could just keep the knowledge of this sort of experience in front of me at all times...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Learning to Err.

http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_on_being_wrong.html

Today on facebook there was a TED video posted about what to learn from being wrong. That made me think that being wrong is what courageous people do well.

I, by contrast, am a coward. I detest being wrong, particularly if it was something which could be helped by good information or proper planning. I've learned to live with it uncomfortably, mostly because of nearly sixteen years of marriage. No amount of planning or information can keep me from just being wrong in the context of a marriage. I just am... and far too often.

I really, really hate to be wrong. I hate taking risks where I might fail. I avoid the opportunity to be wrong. This means that I am not taking risks which will employ my creativity, engage my mind, and inspire my soul.

I need to learn to be wrong-er. I need to be courageous enough to live.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Uninformed Voters

A PBS "Need To Know" article recently compared uninformed voters to drunk drivers. That's been said before with less poignancy, but the reply has always been something about how our system is set up to insure that this isn't a problem, i.e. that's why we need the electoral college.

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/need-to-know/the-daily-need/are-bad-voters-like-drunk-drivers-new-book-says-they-are-and-that-they-should-stay-home-on-election-day/8609/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=pbs

In our current political climate, post Citizens United, where the attack ads are funded by anonymous benefactors like the Koch brothers via shadow groups like Americans for Prosperity, and often girded by faux research groups like their very own Cato Institute, I would wager that there are more misinformed voters by far. Few people invest enough time to do the research of understanding the basis for their own political opinions, even less the motivations of their candidates or the track record of their party of choice.

This is why I have no party. I am slightly more informed than the average American. I've learned this by traveling overseas, and by interacting with folks on all sides of issues at home and abroad. It's clear to me that Europeans have a more informed view of our national politics and its impact than we do. There are many reasons for that, but they're not justifications.

In the Upper Midwest (at least MN and WI) we work harder. Seriously, having worked in a field where I traveled on the road 90% for several years, working in AZ, CO, GA, NV, IL, MI, OH, IN, and others, I saw the difference in drive and commitment to hard work which is inherent to a Wisconsinite. I was told to slow down and take it easy in several states in varied dialects. I say this because it is part of the problem. In Wisconsin there are a large majority of folks who work very hard at their jobs, for less pay, and don't have time to invest in politics.

They rely on old fashioned values and litmus tests. They vote based upon a couple of issues and often vote a straight ticket. I always that way for years, and that was the way most of my church brethren and coworkers did too. We were sure that we were right, and we didn't bother to look any further.

We trusted our party leaders and elected GOP officials to do what they said. This was a very satisfying position to take. It was a religion-backed, morally superior, self-justified stance which led to arrogance and overconfidence. I used to browbeat and argue my way toward belittling the "other" into realizing that they were wrong (at least that they couldn't change my mind).

But the first President Bush changed that for me. He was a liar who duped me. He was no "Reagan Republican", and that was what I wanted at the time. He was a waffling centrist who would do whatever he needed to do to get his own agenda (secret to us) accomplished. At that point I had little awareness of how prevalent this was throughout politics.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I changed my mind. I began doubting the integrity or the positions of my party. Traveling overseas, and moving ot an inner-city stripped the last bastions of allegiance away. I saw the impact of policies I took for granted.

So now I am a hater of politics, but a lover of transparency in it. I pursue fairness and centrism wherever I can find it. Instead of being driven to the polarized sides of our political climate by the disparate positions, I have continued to stake my claim near the center. Admittedly, I have been more left than right for quite some time. But I won't ever vote a straight-ticket on principle. Instead, I try to vote based on which candidate appears to be the most fair-minded and reasonable.

Unfortunately that is not always electable nowadays. Our PAC groups and Koch orgs are lighting fires all around, driving the ignorant masses toward fear-driven votes for the GOP, a party which no longer feigns compassion toward the poor or the needy. People are angry and that makes them as unstable as drunk drivers, yeah, I think I agree. They're easily incited toward political bad choices, at their own expense--and at the expense of those they crash into.

The fact that Russ Feingold lost to Ron Johnson is the best example of how fairness and centrism can't win any more. Feingold was a maverick who voted on his conscience (right or wrong) rather than along party lines, and he was willing to work across the aisle. But he was beaten by a guy who was uncivil and demeaning in his ads. He motivated the angry right to oust a man who worked very hard to represent the progressive WI agenda in favor of a rich dude with a message of hatred and arrogance.

The reality that most of us live in the center, but vote on the fringes (and that a large percentage of Americans don't vote at all) is troubling. We're forced to take sides. The two party system is often one where there is no choice which meets the majority of the values of the voters. I think this is why there are so many who don't vote. They don't have a party.

But I digress. The problem of uninformed voters is more a problem of misinformed ones, post Citizens United. PAC groups can run ads which amplify their corporate free speech rights. These ads are often 90% lies wrapped in 10% truths, and that makes them an insidious evil. Their messages are couched in incendiary and hateful language which is meant to divide folks and motivate them to vote angry.

Those sort of voters have the right to vote, but they should not vote. They're unwitting pawns in a corporate chess game which works very hard at undermining government measures meant to instill fairness and reason in society. When we eradicate these laws we create a more hostile society without protection for its citizens. That motivates our anger even more and inspires even more divisiveness and angry voting.

I'd not choose to take away the keys from the anger-drunk voter. Rather, I would like to create a prohibition of corporate funding for hate ads. I'd like to eliminate the drug at the source. I'd like slanderous ads to end, and for PAC groups and corporate free speech to end. Let people vote, not companies.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Costco Date

Today was a very good day. Jen and I traveled up to Costco after a nice inexpensive breakfast at Alterra, a great little splurge which set the table for a big savings day.

We've been struggling financially but we got some coupons from Costco in the mail and wanted to use some of our meager savings to make some purchases there to prepare for leaner times which might be ahead. We planned ahead, set a budget of $200-300 based upon our budget. We left having spent $307, and having saved $42 in coupon savings for things we actually can use above and beyond the exceptional savings which Costco provides.

We found organic chicken and ground beef, staples in fruit and veg, excellent deals on frozen fish, lunchmeat, and sliced cheese. We had a coupon for Jarlsberg, a Norwegian cheese which is a luxury item, but which was a fantastic deal. We got some toiletries which we needed, and stocked up on the basics in bulk. This is great, since we just finished remodeling a storage area in our hallway to store stuff. So now we can have a nifty place to stack bulk paper products, etc.

We're getting organized, simplifying our lives, and coming up with a new normal. That's been tough at times, but today we felt very rich in blessings and provision. We even got a break on our membership renewal, which would have cost $50, but cost 17 because of a dividend issue from 2010.

Jenni needed new contact lenses desperately, and our vision place really overcharges us. I was looking for a different option. Anyway, I noticed the great prices for contacts at Costco and Jenni had the vision place fax her perscription... which meant she got six months of contacts (which she will stretch to a year) for $55. That was a big savings over our old place.

Little blessings like this really make me happy. It was clear that in all things today the Lord had blessed us. There were little reminders of how good God is to us, personal moments of connection.

I know that it doesn't pair with good theology to think of God intervening in our lives in magical ways like this. But experiences of this sort do serve to inspire me. I believe that God does communicate with us in still, small, personal ways if we are listening or looking and listening for those things.

Today I felt as though my ears and eyes were opened, and God broke through my inadequacy. That was needed, and is greatly appreciated.

Ephesians 5:20 reads... " always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Politics & Fairness

I've been told that I have become increasingly political in the past few years. That may be true. However, there's a subtlety which I think that people who observe my actions and words have missed.


I've certainly shifted from being a hard-right fundamentalist straight-ticket GOP backer. I used to vote on two issues, abortion and gay rights as my litmus tests for political decision making. I was a fiscal conservative who thought I understood the basis for my interest in smaller government and localized decision-making.


But a lot has changed in my life. I've seen much of the world. I've been blessed to work with peace groups in Northern Ireland, along side great people working for justice in the inner-city, and have recently been an active member in a labor union--a group I used to despise.


The funny thing is that i no longer have a party. I'm not quick to label my disparate opinions with a moniker. Other people have been quick to call me marxist, communist, democrat, socialist, atheist. None of those things is true.


I am a fan of Milwaukee's "sewer socialist" tradition, but favor a blended republic with some socialist parts and some capitalist parts within it.


I guess if I were to distill what drives my political activism more than anything else now is a singular principle. Fairness. 


I seek balance and fairness from my elected officials. In the hyper-partisan environment in USA right now I feel that I have no home, and that the powers that be have bowed to special interests whose aims are to push people to the margins.


I want to be in the center, able to decide based on the merits of any issue. The fact that currently the GOP has taken an approach which is much more inherently unfair and punitive to the middle class and the poor, while girding the rich and powerful has pushed me toward democratic interests.


But if the GOP ever decided to read the Bible they espouse at times as the basis of their decision-making, and work toward equity and an inclusive nation with a focus on long-term growth and care for the workforce. If they put their compassionate hats on and come up with a health care system which will serve business interests while insuring every citizen, then I am going to shift toward them.


Life isn't about taking sides, in my opinion. It's about fairness. The person who says life isn't fair has given up, or has entrenched themselves in a side of a partisan battle. I prefer to remain open to fairness and compassion wherever I find it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"I've Made Myself So Sick..."

I've waited hours for this
I've made myself so sick
I wish I'd stayed 
asleep today

I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

just try to see in the dark
just try to make it work
to feel the fear before you're here
I make the shapes come much too close
I pull my eyes out
hold my breath
and wait until I shake...

but if I had your faith
then I could make it safe and clean
if only I was sure
that my head on the door was a dream

I've waited hours for this
I've made myself so sick
I wish I'd stayed asleep today
I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

but if I had your face
then I could make it safe and clean
if only I was sure 
that my head on the door was a dream...



So go the lyrics of my fave song by the Cure. The song is a sentimental one for me in many ways. The Cure represents my emotional self, with fragility and brokenness very close to the surface at all times. And they also speak to my love for my wife... a Cure fan and alt-music child of the eighties.


I love that about her, btw.


But for the past couple of days I have been out of work, sick. It's not measurable with a thermometer kind of sickness, though. I've had a persistent headache which has moved to the bounds of a migraine at times. I've been suffering back and body aches which have been sharp and exhausting simultaneously.

I'm still hungry, unable to say that I am flu-ish, or that I have the common cold. I've had allergy symptoms for a while now, and take meds for that when I recognize the symptoms. 



But this is different. It's sort of a malaise with manifest symptoms of real illness. I wonder if the massive stress in my life right now, the family problems, and the job dissatisfaction I feel are to blame. I've been thinking a lot about the line from this song. Am I a self-fulfilling prophecy or sorts?


I do have a tangible possibility for the source of sickness, though. We've had some problems with water intrusion in our home and I fear that I am seeing signs of mold, and water damage which is new this Spring. I'm terrified as to what that would mean for us and our home. I know that it's very hard to remove, and that the mold if untreated can cause serious illness.


But that might just be paranoia, which adds to my anxiety and stress, which leads me to believe that I am simply making msyelf sick with worry. I no longer know for sure what is real in this regard. All I know is that I feel like sh** when I am typing this.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Guests Welcome At Own Risk...

You could stay at our house for "free", a lovely four bedroom arts & crafts bungalow with the stained glass built-ins, and 1920's charm. We've had guests from four countries and all walks of life stay with us for extended periods.

We're three blocks from the lovely Washington Park lagoon, in the stylish bungalow district of the Uptown Crossing neighborhood (emphasis on 'hood) of Milwaukee. We're five minutes from Miller and Harley, 10 minutes from Miller Park, and 20 minutes from all the festivals and the big lake.

We live amidst one of the more diverse neighborhoods of the second-most segregated cities in USA, and you'll be minorities (if you're white) while you stay here. So you'll get a priceless cultural immersion experience and multicultural education while you stay with us.

The curfew is nightfall because you don't want to be out parking your car on our street after dark. We do offer a guest "club" for your car so no worries there, and have one extra garage off-street parking space if needed in our vintage cinder-block 3-car garage. Minivan to midsize will fit...

We don't have a pontoon boat, but we can offer you some discarded steel drums, some barn twine and some particle board. But you'll have to stay close to the steel drums while floating in the lagoon because otherwise the scrappers will steal them off of you. Think: Sandord & Sons with a more dilapidated pickup truck.

DISCLAIMERS: We're only five blocks from the gorgeous district 3 police station, but they'll take 25 minutes to arrive if you call 9-1-1. So please arrange for alternative insurance coverage and personal protection strategies.

We're not responsible for any lost, stolen, or damaged possessions while staying with us. We have had a car stolen from one of our guests, and it ended up four blocks away dumped in an alley with a busted column and window out. There was no gasoline left in it, and it had probably been used in a crime. But the good thing was that they left a really big, nice claw hammer and screwdriver in it when they parked it. Hey, one cannot complain about free tools! So that was thoughtful of them. And hey, your car might make the news!

Oh, and if you're looking for recreational pharmaceuticals I am sure that you'll be pleased with our location. Despite vigilance by many of us, there are still folks dealing stuff in our area. I discouraged a deal down the street on Saturday night...


*I'm only half joking, and I am not sure which half anymore.*

Sunday, April 10, 2011

High Caliber Immersion

Yesterday I was invited to go to a gun range and shoot a .45 caliber handgun at a range in Waukesha with a veteran who just bought a handgun. It was an impressive weapon for sure, and an experience I will not soon forget.

When I walked out of the range after shooting my heart was pounding out of my chest. I was invigorated as a man, and a descendant of warriors on my Nordic side. I also felt the poignancy of what it must be to be asked to raise a weapon against another human being. I briefly spoke about that with my host. He agreed, and I did want to ask about his military service and whether he'd had to make that choice, but know enough to not ask. I think that's something which a veteran ought to bring up on their own.

I've had thoughts about becoming a law enforcement officer in the past. I did spend 6 months in law enforcement of sorts, working in parking enforcement for the City of Milwaukee. That was enlightening to say the least, but by no means was it a primer for policing. There were aspects of that job which are almost identical to some minor parts of policing, but it was largely a economic tool for the budget deficits in Milwaukee during an economic downturn, instead of a position which promoted the enforcement of just laws which protect and provide for the citizens who it purports to serve.

Anyway, back to shooting. I took 60 shots at four silhouette targets. I did better than I thought, and admittedly I have some shooting experience from years back, mostly with a .22 caliber rifle and pellet guns. I have an NRA award for the latter which I earned while using my off-time as a camp counselor wher they had a certified range.

An aside, at the same place I had the time to earn a marksmanship award for the 50-pound recurve bow for archery. It was a very alpha-male summer for me...

But this was different. I could not escape the fact that I was shooting a handgun, a weapon which is not typically used for hunting. It's used for police work or self-defense by the law-abiding. And that was what led my hands to tremble so much when I first picked it up. I was conscious of how serious the decision to hold a handgun in ones' hands is, and how it must change any person to have fired one in the direction of a living person.

And next to me were folks who were shooting at targets which looked strangely like arabs or urban assailants, which I found offensive. I don't see how that is necessary, but I understand the sentiment which has caused these to be published. That doesn't make it right for me. It simply means that I am less judgemental of the folks who were shooting at them.

I mourn for the world we live in. It pains me to think that I live amidst such divisive times, where so much violence exists in the human hearts. I am not immune. I often fantasize about owning a handgun for "protection" in the home I live in. Living in the inner-city of one of the most segregated cities in the U.S. mean that I face daily challenges to my own innate racism and classism. As enlightened and justice-centered as I work to be, I am faced with examples of crime and poverty daily. It's easy to become complacent toward the  crime, callous toward minorities who I see engaging in these crimes, and to harbor resentment.

Last night when I returned home around midnight I saw a cadillac parked at the end of my one way street, where it intersects with North Avenue. There was an individual standing outside the running vehicle, and this was at a spot where a troubled commercial building is, that our neighborhood assn. has worked to board up and prevent becoming a nuisance property. There are no residences at this particular spot, and it's somewhat dimly lit.

So I knew what I know about what that means. And as an active individual who reports and discourages crime two blocks from my house, I circled back and drove toward them. I was sure to take down my handicap tag from my mirror and I put my radar detector unit with the red light on the windshield, with the spiran cord hanging down. It makes my car, which is a midsize sedan, look like an unmarked cop car, and I proceeded to drive slowly down the street. As I approached the individual I was sure to gather place, make, and model information and scan the pedestrian for a description. I paused at the stop sign when I had passed them, glanced back in my rear view mirror in a fashion which would make me appear to be scoping them out. I've seen cops do this very thing.

I had my cellphone with 9-1-1 entered and ready to dial this whole time. So I signaled and turned to come back around for another pass. I figure that if they were up to no good the car will be gone when I return for a second trip by them.

I slowly drove around the two block radius to get back to the intersection to turn down that block and was not surprised to see that the car was gone. What usually happens is that the pedestrian (drug dealer) gets into the car of the buyer and they drive off, make the deal, and drop the pedestrian off somewhere else.

We are vigilant against these crimes happening near us, but it takes a vigilance which sometimes can be exhausting. A couple of years ago I set up a surveillance to watch a neighbor across the street making drug deals in front of their home at all hours at night. There were several 9-1-1 "crime in progress" calls made, and several emails and phone calls to other active neighbors. We got some of it on digital video.

So why am I talking about this now? Well, I realize that I am bold about fighting crime in my neighborhood without owning a gun. I don't know how owning one might change that. I just don't trust myself.

A year ago another of my neighbors, a guy I worry about a bit, who has some shady behaviors of his own, stood waving a handgun in the air and yelling while standing on his front lawn. I don't want to be that guy.

And I don't want the handgun to change the way I interact with crime. I'm no vigilante. I've seriously considered becoming a cop, and being trained in law enforcement as a career. It appeals to me, even though I am not a fan of confrontation (seriously). I'm capable of it, as proven by my parking enforcement stint, LOL. I'm fair and good at verbal de-escalation. But I am not a fan of confrontation, and that's particularly why I have not pursued a job as a police officer or game warden (another option I have pondered).

So I am solemnly aware of the responsibility which a handgun brings for the owner, aware of my own fragility, sin and tendency toward violence. And this was all prompted by 30 minutes with a .45, so I don't know what that means, other than that I probably over think everything in my life. Still, I think that it was an important exercise.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Waukesha Election Fraud Musings

There should be no such thing as "human error" in U.S. elections, at least not by election officials which leads to a city's votes going missing for two days.

There should be no human hands involved after the ballot leaves the voters hand.


I mean, I could have falsified 14,000 paper ballots to back up the digital file she said she had simply forgotten to "send". And she's an IT expert with 15 years of experience? I mean she's certainly capable of altering the record and covering her tracks, and she's more than experienced enough to not make this level of "mistake". 


Did she get a confirmation number? Aren't there failsafe measures? Checkpoints?


How can a person who lost her state job for fraud in 2002 win an election weeks later as County Clerk? 


What are the criminal charges which someone who keeps election records on a personal computer should face? Shouldn't she do hard jail time?


And how is it that the most Republican county in the state suddenly finds 7,500 votes for the candidate who lost the most hotly contested state supreme court race in history, where the Koch brothers had given massive amounts of dollars (3-1) to win and get total GOP control. The fact that without the win by the GOP candidate the Governor's plans and attacks on state employees would likely be failed ones, and result in legal action against him and his administration is palpable.


It seemed like Walker had little concern about breaking civil service, legislative, and state laws because he knew that if it reached the state supreme court that he had a majority there. That's why Prosser has to be inserted into office at all costs... and that's why the GOP is committing fraud at this level.


The truly tragic thing about this is that the Governor will ignore the 750,000 votes cast for Kloppenburg if she's deemed the loser. He's already said that this was a Madison versus the rest of the state contest, dismissing the result for Kloppenburg as the fact that Madison had such a large turnout--a dismissive way to ignore the massive shift in votes throughout the rest of the state... remember, Prosser won with over 95% of the votes the last time he ran. 


Seriously, when the GOP commits fraud it's impressively large. Meanwhile, they'll bitterly argue that there is rampant fraud in Milwaukee County because three felons tried to vote and were turned away.


Well, the recalls are coming. 

Life and Alternative Learning Lessons

The urgency of getting a degree done in 4 years seems to push students to unreasonable class loads in my opinion. I always had the acceptable losses class, where I could not study enough for it and took a lesser grade than I hoped for. I struggled in college, and really was not ready to go to college when I did. I was an underdeveloped human being who needed to develop socially first.


Skipping class and not studying enough were primary causes for my struggles in college. I majored in participation in organizations and working out at the physical education center. I spent three nights a week going to campus Christian orgs or Bible Studies and developing my faith and my identity as a person. It was good for me, what I needed most. 


But as for my college career, I had no idea what I wanted to pursue. I changed major and minor nine times, pursued education until there was a two-year waiting list, bombed on meeting the requirements of a paper for a core social work class, which led me to get less than a "C" (the prof said it was an excellent sociology paper, but not a social work paper) and drove me to change to sociology as my major--the one which I eventually earned a degree in.

My problem is that I cannot memorize. Well, I could, but it takes my teflon brain 3-5x the time it takes the average person. I don't know why, but I think it had to do with APNEA even then. I have a condition called ideopathic hypersomia in addition, which makes me tired during the day. I do recall sleeping in the student union lounge instead of going to class some days. 

This is why when I took my Spanish classes I took them in the summer and only one course at a time, quit my job and studied/did class 12-14 hours per day (four days per week). I got an A- and B+ and wish I had done better. But some folks can memorize things and some cannot.

I always did better in the courses which required logic and understanding, or encouraged proficiency of utilization of formulas (which weren't memorized). Art History Classes were brutal for me... I had to try memorize images, artist full name with correct spelling (baroque artists), the year painted, the city where it now resides, and the name of the museum or collection in which it sits in that city. That was a part of my art minor, and I thought it was a waste of time.

It would not be one if I was planning to be a curator, or schmooze at cocktail parties among the luminaries of the art world. But I wanted to expand my appreciation of art, and this took it away for me.


Often the science courses were the most trouble for me, unless they were understanding-driven. Biology courses were usually exercises in precision memory. What value is remembering phylum, genus, and species unless you're going to be a biologist who is working with a specific animal species? I can only guess that the people who found this invigorating were meant to find that coursework as a sort of an entry interview into the field. Otherwise, I don't know how identifying bird species has any value as part of a college degree. Sure, for personal enrichment, if I want to be a bird watcher, great. But not as part of a degree program, in my unhumble opinion.

I'm not justifying every poor students' performance. One thing I NEVER did when I was in college the first time was speak with my professors. That was a big mistake. I always felt that I didn't fit the instruction/measurement style in many of my classes, and didn't ever make my struggles known to the instructor. Not that it could have changed things much, because my problems were my own to fix, but it might have lent itself to some assistance in small ways.

And I didn't go to tutoring either.

But when I finished my degree with those Spanish classes I went to tutoring, spoke with my prof/T.A.s outside of class, and asked lots of questions in class.

The tutoring is what saved my bacon, as well as studying with peers in our coffee shop. If I had tried to go it alone the memorization hurdle which kept me from completing my degree for 13 years would still exist.

What's so odd about me is that despite my inability to memorize things, I have always been considered of above-average intelligence (very early on in school), and in my jobs I have risen to positions like SME (subject matter expert), where I was the sole trainer and interpreter of a 600 page technical standards document for a telecom vendor. I cannot say that I memorized it, but I had an astounding ability to grasp the "spirit of the living document" and make right judgements about how to interpret it--and to interact as a customer liaison. 

I was a secondary ed student for two years in college and I resonated with the concept of alternative learning styles. I never found a way to cope when a class didn't meet my style. I guess I always thought that I had to be just like everyone else, and learn the same way. But now I know that is not true.

But when I learn something, after all the extra effort, I thoroughly understand it, and then can teach it. But it takes me a long, long time to memorize the details. But the professors seemed to test on the details, rather than the understanding.  I give that methodology an "F".


By the time I figured out some things about myself, and found a program and courses which fit me, I was a super-senior. I'd wasted an awful lot of credits and sunk my gpa. I still have a whole lot of regrets about my choices, and that I had no idea of my medical conditions or of what my learning style is. I still don't know what method works best for me to learn. But I do know myself well enough that I earned a 3.5 when I went back to college. I had a career gpa of 2.6 prior to that.