Yesterday I was invited to go to a gun range and shoot a .45 caliber handgun at a range in Waukesha with a veteran who just bought a handgun. It was an impressive weapon for sure, and an experience I will not soon forget.
When I walked out of the range after shooting my heart was pounding out of my chest. I was invigorated as a man, and a descendant of warriors on my Nordic side. I also felt the poignancy of what it must be to be asked to raise a weapon against another human being. I briefly spoke about that with my host. He agreed, and I did want to ask about his military service and whether he'd had to make that choice, but know enough to not ask. I think that's something which a veteran ought to bring up on their own.
I've had thoughts about becoming a law enforcement officer in the past. I did spend 6 months in law enforcement of sorts, working in parking enforcement for the City of Milwaukee. That was enlightening to say the least, but by no means was it a primer for policing. There were aspects of that job which are almost identical to some minor parts of policing, but it was largely a economic tool for the budget deficits in Milwaukee during an economic downturn, instead of a position which promoted the enforcement of just laws which protect and provide for the citizens who it purports to serve.
Anyway, back to shooting. I took 60 shots at four silhouette targets. I did better than I thought, and admittedly I have some shooting experience from years back, mostly with a .22 caliber rifle and pellet guns. I have an NRA award for the latter which I earned while using my off-time as a camp counselor wher they had a certified range.
An aside, at the same place I had the time to earn a marksmanship award for the 50-pound recurve bow for archery. It was a very alpha-male summer for me...
But this was different. I could not escape the fact that I was shooting a handgun, a weapon which is not typically used for hunting. It's used for police work or self-defense by the law-abiding. And that was what led my hands to tremble so much when I first picked it up. I was conscious of how serious the decision to hold a handgun in ones' hands is, and how it must change any person to have fired one in the direction of a living person.
And next to me were folks who were shooting at targets which looked strangely like arabs or urban assailants, which I found offensive. I don't see how that is necessary, but I understand the sentiment which has caused these to be published. That doesn't make it right for me. It simply means that I am less judgemental of the folks who were shooting at them.
I mourn for the world we live in. It pains me to think that I live amidst such divisive times, where so much violence exists in the human hearts. I am not immune. I often fantasize about owning a handgun for "protection" in the home I live in. Living in the inner-city of one of the most segregated cities in the U.S. mean that I face daily challenges to my own innate racism and classism. As enlightened and justice-centered as I work to be, I am faced with examples of crime and poverty daily. It's easy to become complacent toward the crime, callous toward minorities who I see engaging in these crimes, and to harbor resentment.
Last night when I returned home around midnight I saw a cadillac parked at the end of my one way street, where it intersects with North Avenue. There was an individual standing outside the running vehicle, and this was at a spot where a troubled commercial building is, that our neighborhood assn. has worked to board up and prevent becoming a nuisance property. There are no residences at this particular spot, and it's somewhat dimly lit.
So I knew what I know about what that means. And as an active individual who reports and discourages crime two blocks from my house, I circled back and drove toward them. I was sure to take down my handicap tag from my mirror and I put my radar detector unit with the red light on the windshield, with the spiran cord hanging down. It makes my car, which is a midsize sedan, look like an unmarked cop car, and I proceeded to drive slowly down the street. As I approached the individual I was sure to gather place, make, and model information and scan the pedestrian for a description. I paused at the stop sign when I had passed them, glanced back in my rear view mirror in a fashion which would make me appear to be scoping them out. I've seen cops do this very thing.
I had my cellphone with 9-1-1 entered and ready to dial this whole time. So I signaled and turned to come back around for another pass. I figure that if they were up to no good the car will be gone when I return for a second trip by them.
I slowly drove around the two block radius to get back to the intersection to turn down that block and was not surprised to see that the car was gone. What usually happens is that the pedestrian (drug dealer) gets into the car of the buyer and they drive off, make the deal, and drop the pedestrian off somewhere else.
We are vigilant against these crimes happening near us, but it takes a vigilance which sometimes can be exhausting. A couple of years ago I set up a surveillance to watch a neighbor across the street making drug deals in front of their home at all hours at night. There were several 9-1-1 "crime in progress" calls made, and several emails and phone calls to other active neighbors. We got some of it on digital video.
So why am I talking about this now? Well, I realize that I am bold about fighting crime in my neighborhood without owning a gun. I don't know how owning one might change that. I just don't trust myself.
A year ago another of my neighbors, a guy I worry about a bit, who has some shady behaviors of his own, stood waving a handgun in the air and yelling while standing on his front lawn. I don't want to be that guy.
And I don't want the handgun to change the way I interact with crime. I'm no vigilante. I've seriously considered becoming a cop, and being trained in law enforcement as a career. It appeals to me, even though I am not a fan of confrontation (seriously). I'm capable of it, as proven by my parking enforcement stint, LOL. I'm fair and good at verbal de-escalation. But I am not a fan of confrontation, and that's particularly why I have not pursued a job as a police officer or game warden (another option I have pondered).
So I am solemnly aware of the responsibility which a handgun brings for the owner, aware of my own fragility, sin and tendency toward violence. And this was all prompted by 30 minutes with a .45, so I don't know what that means, other than that I probably over think everything in my life. Still, I think that it was an important exercise.
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