"I've Made Myself So Sick..."

I've waited hours for this
I've made myself so sick
I wish I'd stayed 
asleep today

I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

just try to see in the dark
just try to make it work
to feel the fear before you're here
I make the shapes come much too close
I pull my eyes out
hold my breath
and wait until I shake...

but if I had your faith
then I could make it safe and clean
if only I was sure
that my head on the door was a dream

I've waited hours for this
I've made myself so sick
I wish I'd stayed asleep today
I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

but if I had your face
then I could make it safe and clean
if only I was sure 
that my head on the door was a dream...


So go the lyrics of my fave song by the Cure. The song is a sentimental one for me in many ways. The Cure represents my emotional self, with fragility and brokenness very close to the surface at all times. And they also speak to my love for my wife... a Cure fan and alt-music child of the eighties.


I love that about her, btw.


But for the past couple of days I have been out of work, sick. It's not measurable with a thermometer kind of sickness, though. I've had a persistent headache which has moved to the bounds of a migraine at times. I've been suffering back and body aches which have been sharp and exhausting simultaneously.

I'm still hungry, unable to say that I am flu-ish, or that I have the common cold. I've had allergy symptoms for a while now, and take meds for that when I recognize the symptoms. 


But this is different. It's sort of a malaise with manifest symptoms of real illness. I wonder if the massive stress in my life right now, the family problems, and the job dissatisfaction I feel are to blame. I've been thinking a lot about the line from this song. Am I a self-fulfilling prophecy or sorts?


I do have a tangible possibility for the source of sickness, though. We've had some problems with water intrusion in our home and I fear that I am seeing signs of mold, and water damage which is new this Spring. I'm terrified as to what that would mean for us and our home. I know that it's very hard to remove, and that the mold if untreated can cause serious illness.


But that might just be paranoia, which adds to my anxiety and stress, which leads me to believe that I am simply making msyelf sick with worry. I no longer know for sure what is real in this regard. All I know is that I feel like sh** when I am typing this.